I feel overwhelmed. I feel pissed off that sleep has not been easy to come by for me as of late. I feel like crying in a corner by how much work there is "to do."
I am usually pretty fantastic (if I do say so myself) at letting all that shit go on the yoga mat. I step on and it's my cue to mind and body to go inward, let go, soften, and take some really big deep breaths.
Today was not one of those days. I am pretty sure I was an angry yogi today.
The damn hot yoga towel mat.
THE YOGA MAT PISSED ME OFF.
Now this may seem very silly and I admit, it is. But my hot yoga towel mat doesn't always cooperate. In fact, it likes to move as I move and usually I am pretty good at moving with my mat and readjusting.
But not today.
Today I felt as if the damn hot yoga towel mat might send me over the edge.
We all have those moments where the littlest thing becomes the biggest thing. It can be the struggle to finding the parking space before a big meeting. It can be that the coworking space coffeemaker is broken. It can be that one professor HAD to assign an additional reading requirement. Whatever it may be, it's that one thing that overfills the cup.
But it's never about these littlest things. Small potatoes, people. These are small potatoes.
How do we get to the place to see that these are small potatoes?
Maybe it's not about getting there. It's about being here— feeling that anger, sleep deprivation or whatever it is. Not trying to change it, but being here.
Today I stepped on the yoga mat with expectation that yoga would make me feel better. That sweating all the shit out in an 100 degree room would "make" my life "better." Really I was attracted to put myself through more stress.
I do feel better (I love any opportunity to sweat), but I also recognize that I didn't actually allow myself to feel. Today I kept going onto the next thing and then the next thing, so it was the yoga mat that reminded me that I hadn't t taken the time to check in with me.
So I am over here feeling. It's not comfortable. I am feeling scared. I am feeling overwhelmed. But I am feeling and because I am taking this time to sensitize, I believe I will move through these feelings with grace and ease.
Just over here feeling (and forgiving my poor yoga mat).
P.S. If you haven't picked up a copy of my debut book, I Am Tessa, and you want to get a toolbox of anxiety coping mechanisms, I suggest you head on over to Amazon :)